Then there's me and my Fucked up Romances (cause they do and can happen to people).
If I scroll back a few years, I was dating an older man with whom I had a friendship with for a few years and we decided to get out of the friend zone. Everything was going great until about 6 months into the relationship, the pain started and intimacy wasn't pain-free anymore. He left me a dear john message on Facebook and that was the end of it. I figured older guy = more mature guy, but I was wrong. Worse part of it, he was doing his residency at a prestigious downtown hospital (yes he was a MD and no they don't care about people with pain).
A couple months later, I dated a colleague from the office. Same thing happened there, except this one got to say one of the most hurtful thing I've ever heard from a loved one: "I understand, but what about my needs" translation "I don't really get it, can we have sexy time even if you'll hurt for 4 days after?". He is now known under the nickname "Douchebag" to my family and close friends.
I waited a couple years, then I started dating a guy I've know for years and he knew how I was before "shit hit the fan". I decided that this time, my pain wouldn't get the best of me and I would fight it and win. He was a very tolerant (too tolerant) man. We sometimes didn't see each other for 2-3 weeks at a time and all he would say was " I understand". Where things got sour, was when I asked him to stop talking about "getting married" and "having babies". Firstly, I don't want to get married and second it would be unrealistic and irresponsible for me to become pregnant before having my FAI surgeries. Good idea buddy, I already don't sleep much with my pain plus my energy level is rock bottom, let's just add a kid to the whole equation! I didn't have any energy to go out to do something or I had too much pain that all I wanted was a pair of PJs and a couch to pass-out on, NOT A KID!!! I broke it off and later found out that he was staying in the relationship just to satisfy the pressure he got from his family on getting married and having kids (it seems everybody is doing it these days).
I've learned a lot from my experiences:
1- If your partner is only after sex : Dump his/her Ass
2- Two-way communication is essential to making it work. If it breaks down, everything else falls.
3- Stop comparing yourself to all the healthy "not in pain/normal" couples. Some couples give out a "everything is lolly pop perfect" image of their relationship, when if fact things are headed towards a breakup/separation/divorce.
4- You have to learn to pace yourself and your partner needs to understand why you do this and he/she has to respect the limits you set for yourself.
5- Don't settle for anybody who just happens to be looking for a mate, doesn't mean you have FAI that you have to lower your standards when choosing a partner. You'll most likely get very disappointed and hurt (see lesson #1).
With all the new surgical techniques out there, it's possible to manage/treat FAI better than before and eliminate the pain it causes. I believe that once the body heals, the emotions change and the mind heals as well. I will be patient and wait till I heal enough to make room for a partner in my life.
May all the pieces in my life's puzzle fall in the right places (or most of the bigger pieces at least).
~ Klau
No comments:
Post a Comment