30 is coming...

Some of you might not know this, but  I'm turning 30 next week. I don't feel super excited about it for loads of different reasons. A couple of reasons have to do with my hips that haven't been fixed yet and I'm getting real tired of waiting. 



My hip pain stops me from doing a lot of thing that I enjoyed. I'm turning 30 but I'm living in the body of a 70yr old who is 25 pounds overweight. No matter how hard I try, I can't melt off the weight (even if my family doctor nags about it every fucking time I see her). I can't lose it like I want to cause the FAI prevents me from doing killer crazy workouts like I did 4 years ago. I miss those days where I would do 2 hours of martial arts, burn around 900 calories, feel "cut" and strong and not gain a single ounce. Best I can do now is almost moderate walking.


 I watch what I eat, eat clean and I totally love the "Organic/Granola Hippies on Hemp" section at the grocery store! I count my calories every day and I try to go walking daily for 25-30 min. Still, it's not working and I'm getting more frustrated with my body the longer my hips aren't fixed.





I was supposed to go on a cruise with my mother to celebrate my turning 30 and her turning 55. Well considering I have trouble staying seated for long periods, I can scratch off the idea of a 2 day car trip or 4-5 hour plane ride to get to the friggin' cruise ship. Plus I would feel duped if I couldn't take part in many of the activities available on the trip because of my hip pain (long tour guided treks in some country, sport activities on the ship, etc). It would suck if I'd get 5 pain days out of a 7 day trip and have to miss out, plus I don't want to cause my mom to miss out on fun activities during the trip if I decided to rest in the cabin.



It's also a bad time for me to leave because I'm waiting for a call from the hospital for my surgery that's supposed to come up in the next month or so. I don't want to miss my chance and have to wait an extra month of this shitty FAI pain. My colleagues at work and my friends are all talking about their latest trip or trips they plan on doing soon. I'm envious of them and I know that I badly need a vacation, but my hands and feet are tied to my fucking defective hips. 




When you hit 30, you kind of measure where you're at in life. Most people are done with College and University and are steadily working in their field of choice by the time they're 30. The majority of people are coupled up and have been for a few years by now. Many have had kids at 30 or plan on having kids in the near future. Most people I know are in excellent shape and excellent health at age 30.



I finished College almost a decade ago and I finished Uni in 2007 while working full time mixed shifts (day/evening/night). I've been working full time in my career for the past 7 years. Can't say I've advanced my career though and we'll just blame that one on 4+ years of hip pain. I lost an opportunity for advancement last year because I'm on light work because of my FAI hip pain. I still feel terrible about that and I've been at the same shitty office job since June 2012 where the clients and certain colleagues treat me like dirt.




Some of my previous boyfriends have run away and I've had to leave some because of the lack of understanding and honesty from them (see previous post on relationships). I'm pretty much alone at 30 and I don't plan on having kids either. It would be too complicated, hard on my already mangled body, I don't have what it takes to be a mother and having children is way too much responsibility for someone like me who does shift work, has no boyfriend/husband and is soon to be recovering from hip surgeries. My previous relationships were complete failures, dating guys in my current state is impossible and even if I find "the one", it'll never work with my hectic work and the schedule that comes with it. I'd end up having kids with another jerk who's gonna leave because he's overwhelmed and can't take care of kids while I'm working night shifts. After that happens, I'm the one overwhelmed with ALL the responsibilities and the jerk has to deal with the kids for only 2 weekends a month. Nice way to fuck up my life even more than it already is.



 

My health at 30...is at it's lowest point EVER! Like I said before, I'm overweight and very pissed off about it. I try so hard to get in shape, lose some pounds and it's not working. I'm depending on my hip surgeries to get my life back on track, but it's not coming soon enough. I can't eat sugary foods and fatty snacks cause I know I can't burn those extra calories off. I cancelled an outing to for a sugar shack dinner with a bunch of friends because I knew eating that kind of food (lots of fat, carbs. and sugar) would have been a major setback. I've cut a lot on alcohol to lose weight but I don't see any results and I've been at it for weeks now. I count my calories and go for the 1430 calories per day that I'm supposed to aim for. I take 25-30 min walks daily and I do a bit of calisthenics for 10 to 15 min after each walk. I'd love to do those workouts twice a day to lose weight, but I know I'm gonna pay with pain the next couple days for overdoing it. 




Meanwhile, my friends (in my age range) are running marathons, getting their 2nd degree on their black belts, joining cross-fit gyms, talking about how they gained 10-15 pounds...of muscle!

I'm also afraid of developing high-blood pressure and type 2 diabetes because of where my weight stands. I'd like to see my family doctor about it, but she's useless and will patronise me instead of helping me. Change family doctors you say? You're fucking lucky to have one if you're my age (and not preggo) and if you live in Quebec, it's almost like winning the lottery. It's impossible to switch to another, they're all over-booked and can't take any more patients. Appointments are 2-3 months away, so what's the point in trying to see one soon?

Turning 30 sucks, I hate that it reminds me of all the things I've missed in my 20s and I don't feel much like celebrating anything about it. Oh and it's probably best if I skip the cake... 

 

* I Don't want to end up looking like this...

 












~Klau





   

Like a Boss & Silly Walks...

*We need one of these to cool off our annoying impatient clients at my office.

I had a quite yet interesting week. We got a whole structure change at work and I had make some changes to my schedule. Nobody wanted this change, but the high management said otherwise so we had no choice but to comply. I find that the new routine isn't so bad, plus I get to sleep in a bit more in the morning! I'm still doing my usual shitty office job though, till I have my hip surgeries.

 I also have a new boss. I thought it would be complicated once again to have to explain my hip problems and limitations, plus I was afraid of having another disbeliever (like my previous boss). I was surprised because my old boss actually briefed him on my upcoming surgeries (and medical leave of absence). He just came up to me last week and said "I had a knee injury a few years back and it hurt like a bitch and took forever to have fixed." "I know how it must suck right now for you, the rehab is also gonna be long and painful too and even when you come back to work, you might not feel 100% like before". What he said amazed me! He even added "Take your time and heal and come back when you're ready, even if it takes almost a year, take care of yourself first." Damn, I almost fell off my chair and wanted to pinch myself to see if this guy is for real!


Suddenly my faith in humanity was restored and it took a load off to know that I'm not gonna have any pressure from my boss on when I'll be coming back to work after my surgeries. 





I got tired of going to the pool a couple weeks ago. First of all, there are too many kids at the local indoor public pool who need parental supervision (if their mom is glued to her Iphone and pretends she has no kids, it doesn't count as supervision). I had to tell a 10 year old girl to fuck off and not swim so close to me after she kicked me a few times (she thought she had room to swim in the 1 foot of space between me and the wall of the pool). I'm glad the mom didn't notice, cause she would have taken the child's defense without seeing what happened and I would have gotten really angry at that useless excuse for a parent. The girl suddenly stopped going in the deep end (where I was swimming) when her goggles fell to the bottom of the pool (not my doing, thank you Karma!). She asked me if I could get them and I said sure...I'll fetch them in 20 mins (just before the end of the free swim) and I continued my workout. 









I actually do my best to avoid the swarm of kids by going to the 9pm to 10pm weekday swims. 

Problem is that there are dozens of primary school kids who aren't in bed at that hour (once again GREAT parenting there) and find it amusing to tempt faith, spray water in my face, act like little pricks and kick me while I'm trying to enjoy my workout. I mean, swimming 1 foot away from an adult seems a bit risky don't ya think? And I'm finding it hard to do the whole routine of changing in and out of swimsuits and in and out of clothes, I'm not friggin' Superman and it's tiring for me with the hip pain and all. 

 With the warmer weather outside, I've decided to start a walking routine every morning before going to work. It's not so bad if I take shorter strides and I can just adjust the length of each walk according to my pain level. I sometimes walk 35 mins or sometimes just 15-20 mins, but that's alright. At least I'm spending more time outside, moving and walking clears my mind. It's kinda like a 2 for 1 deal (without the pizza or drinks) : Meditation + Exercise.  Saw some of Codi's (my lovely deceased dog) canine friends in the neighborhood and it's was a nice change of scenery. 









~ Klau

Happy Easter

Firstly, I would like to say Happy Easter to all who celebrate it! If you don't celebrate Easter, you're missing out on a  most important religious holiday that has morphed over the years into rituals of snarfing down hollow chocolates mostly shaped like cute little animals, eating lots of Ham and going to church (At least we kept the church part).








It's also spring time, the weather is nicer (up in Canada), snow is melting, maple sap is pouring, birds are out singing and animals are coming out of hibernation and doing rated R stuff with each-other...well you get the picture. Such a lovely time of year for many different changes. 








I had something cool happen to me in the last week. Incredibly, the pain in my hips went down to a 3 on the pain scale for almost a week, without having to take any medication. That's a big difference from the steady and usual 5 or 6 (where I need my pain meds to calm it down). I felt, for the first time in years, happy and a lot like the old me before FAI. 

If you have read my first post, you know I'm not a stranger to disappointment. Knowing this, I was cautious and didn't overdo anything, I figured that maybe my shattered labrums decided to hide and snuggle in the right spots, where they didn't catch so much. But I knew it wasn't permanent because both of my hip labrums are torn and will get re-torn again and again from FAI if the bone shape isn't fixed. Whatever happened, it was cool and felt great, yet it was temporary...

*Note: Cats demonstrating snuggling...they look so cosy!  

The snow was all melted from the sidewalks and I felt good for a little walk outside. Fifteen minutes later, pain was back to the "usual" level and the unexpected fantasy was over. It was nice while it lasted and it gave me hope that I might someday be pain-free from FAI and be able to walk for as long as I want without the pain stopping me.

~ Klau