Things you should say to someone with chronic pain

In a previous post, I wrote down the things that people say but shouldn't be saying to people with chronic pain/chronic illness. I've decided to add a post about what people should say (cause some people have no clue what to say).


1) If the person you know with chronic pain doesn't want to chat about the details of their health problem, respect that! Just say something simple like "Hope thinks workout well for you" or "Get well soon" or "Take care" and move on. It really gets under my skin when nosy people from work or estranged family members, with whom I usually don't have contact with, come up to me and start playing 20 questions with me about my health. I cut the conversation short with these people, yet a few of them continue insisting to be in the know. If you're the one asking the questions to a person with chronic pain/illness, STOP!!! Stop insisting or fishing for details, you'll only end up on the #1 spot of the "Gossiping Monkeys' list" (see previous post "pity party people").










2) Ask the person with chronic pain how they're feeling. Avoid making assumptions like "You look super, you must have little or no pain if you're looking that great!". I've got news for you, you can look like an underwear model and yet your body feels like it was thrown in front of a bus. I wear makeup on most days when I go to work, I smile and keep a happy face. I do it to boost my self esteem and to feel good about myself. I still have pain everyday and unfortunately my makeup and hair mousse don't take the pain away.




3) If your friend with chronic pain has a long wait till treatment or surgery is done, encourage him/her! Show them you're on their side and tell em to "Keep their stick on the ice". I have 8-9 months to wait for surgery (still have 1 or 2 months left to go), it means a lot to hear encouragement from my friends and colleagues.










4) If you're good friends or you are close with the person, check in with him/her once in a while. Ask about how other things are going in their life (life isn't only about pain). It's fun to talk about hobbies, activities, etc. and it takes the mind off the pain.


5) Offer to help out the person with chronic pain with things he/she can't do or may have trouble doing. I have colleagues at work that jump in to help me with the heavy boxes I receive at the office. They know I can't move them without paying back with the pain afterwards. Some colleagues who work on the road offer to get me coffee in the morning, cause they know I'm stuck indoors all day and can't get to Starbucks. I get a lot of help from my brother (who's my housemate) with the chores that cause me the most pain (vacuuming, cleaning the floors, carrying a load of laundry, etc.) He volunteers to do them and he helps me so I can do some of the lighter parts of the work.

 










 6) If your best friend, GF or BF, your sibling, parent or someone you're very close to has chronic pain or a chronic illness, let them know you love them and that you're there for them. Just being there when things get thick means more than you think. Hugs and high fives are also welcome and needed!













7) If all fails, Lasagna works very well too. My mother's friend was taking care of her son's 2 young children after his wife had surgery. My mom's friend isn't so young anymore and she was overwhelmed at just thinking she was going to take care of 2 little tykes for 2 weeks. We made a huge lasagna for her and it gave her a break to not have to prepare dinner for 2 nights. She was very happy and it made her day. Caregivers need some encouragement too.

~ Klau

Save me from the Pity Party People

While cleaning the yard with my best bro, we started talking about how we've kept most of our extended family out of the loop about my FAI diagnosis and upcoming surgeries. The main reason for this is I want to avoid the "Pity Party People" and the "Gossip Monkeys" to just jump in and have their go at my expense.



I've been dealing with chronic pain for almost 5 years now and I don't complain to everybody I know about it. I work with people and I know very well that everyone has issues, problems and challenges in their lives. Personally, I don't see/want to identify myself with my FAI hip problems in 5 years. Once I get my surgeries, finish rehab and regain my mobility I want to move on with my life and just get back on the saddle. 



 
I don't want to be reminded of the past couple painful years by my gossiping grandmother or other gossipers who just want to be in the know. Some people like to be reminded of their "great battle with mono", "mega crazy surgery" or "kicking cancer to the curb", but I just want to put it all away ASAP and get back to my real life. 







 

To tell the truth, chronic pain sometimes feels like torture and 4+ years of torture is something you want to forget. Kind of like waking up from a Zombie Apocalypse nightmare and you start forgetting the gruesome details of it all after being awake for just 3 minutes. I simply want the zombies to go away for good and not hear about them!

Harsh you say, not telling my own grandmother about my health? She's the one who told me my pain problem was in my friggin' head a couple years ago because I had no diagnosis. She's not the most empathic person in the world and she often misinterprets information or distorts then repeats the info back to other people. That woman never bloody forgets anything, she's still reminding me about how my brother and I would argue over the TV channel 20 years ago! I hate how she keeps bringing up the troubles I had at work 7 years ago (I went through 1 year of harassment from a supervisor) when everything from back then was dealt with accordingly and is now completely over. I feel ashamed enough as it is that I can't do the things I used to love and that I'm out of shape. I don't need to be reminded of these moments in 5, 10 or 20 years from now.

I also don't want her calling me every week just to update her whole town about things that don't concern them. I'm a rather private person and I have my pride. The less a "Gossip Monkey" knows, the better for your present and future sanity. 

 * I steal a lot from Mr. Takei simply cause his posts rock!

Lately I've been reading a blog called " STFU, Parents" that talks about the dumb shit that overly obsessive parents put on their facebook walls. It's HILARIOUS!!! I recognized a couple people I know who are pretty annoying with their facebook posts, even when they're not talking about their little darlings. Sadly I feel compelled to keep them on my friends list simply because they're family members and if I unfriend them, I can expect a lashing from the rest of the pack. One of my cousins is simply the worst over sharing member of the "Pity Party People" I know, here's why... 



About the "Pity Party People"...

We all know at least one of them in our lives, they either like to brew a pity party with other people's misery or they take the whole stage to themselves like Debbie Downer. My cousin is like that and boy is she annoying with her rants. She lost a baby before term (therefore it's still a fetus, not quite a baby) and years later, she still blabs about it on Facebook like it happened a week ago. She's a very fortunate person (parents are rich, never missed anything in her childhood, well rounded upbringing) and hasn't had too many troubles in her life. When she lost the fetus, she made it the drama of her life for years, even after having another kid. Her FB posts and general dialog (if you talk to her) is "This _____insert thing of normal life here______ happened to me today, it's so terrible!". And then the "Pity Train" begins, about 20 friends all put comments like "Poor you", "Hope it doesn't happen again", "That sucks", etc. She just looks for people's pity all the time and she enjoys the attention. I find that behavior kinda sickening and stupid.



We don't need to know about every fricken' sniffle you, your husband or kid has had. We don't want to hear about how much more drama you can put into a fender-bender you had with your car. If you had to get your hypochondriac ass to the ER, again, we don't need to hear you complain about the 12 hours you had to wait to get told by a doctor that you have a cold. We especially don't need to see pics of whatever fucked up thing is coming from your kid's nose or ass. You're finally working full time and it's tough like a bitch? Yeah most of us know that already because we've been working the bitch schedule for decades!!!     



Sometimes I just feel like telling the "Pity Party Cousin" to grow a pair and get over it, but then I'll pass for the mean one and have too much explaining to do. So instead I decided to vent on my blog to just get it out of my system. Not to worry, the loving and caring people in my life are in the know about what's going on with me and my shitty hips. I hope I've inspired some of you to steer clear of the "Gossip Monkeys" and skip the "Pity Party", cause they're out there...     

  ~ Klau