I haven't been writing lately mostly because I've been busy with PT and being in an angry mood most of the time. Sorry to everyone who follows this blog...wait do people really follow my blog? Fuck it, forget this line of thought...
Why am I angry? Well although the healing is advancing for my right hip (the one that got operated on last December), I just want to saw off my left hip. I have exercises to do for my right hip to regain mobility but most of them involve putting more weight and stress on my left. The pain doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon and I'm fed up with living in a broken defective body.I'm afraid that if I don't get well enough with my right hip, I won't get my left one operated and I kinda need my left one fixed too if I want to get out of this fucking never ending maze from hell. I'm gonna keep trying for a while and see if there's a chance of getting out of this mess.
I have trouble seeing a positive future because I'm used to disappointments and I don't trust my OS to do a good job fixing my hips and I distrust my body even more cause it's been failing me for years. I don't see myself going back to martial arts, it wouldn't be wise with two shitty hips. Other sports? I don't see myself doing any running or contact sports and I already hate doing cycling in PT so I'm gonna forget getting into cycling. On the plus side, I'm gonna save over 1000$ NOT buying that bicycle at the bike shop next spring! I don't have any projects in mind for the future and that's depressing.
On the down side, my job is a physical one and I dunno if I'll be going back or have to settle with being chained to a desk for the next 20 years. I don't want to see any of my colleagues for a long while. The last ones I saw came over to my house cause I skipped the office party (I wasn't feeling well enough to go work that day, it was in my no meds pre-op week) to give me a Christmas present. The gesture was very kind but was brief and ended when one of them decided to say "Well I was in worst shape and I was limping a lot more than you before I had my hip replacement. You look fine." Thanks a lot man, yeah I've been cleverly FAKING my fucking pain for FIVE FUCKING YEARS!!! I bit my lip and didn't say anything cause he's a superior at work. This is one of the many perks to having an invisible illness, people don't believe you!
I don't get out of the house much anymore except for PT. The weather sucks, either it's freezing cold outside, it's snowing or there's freezing rain...take your pick! Besides, I don't have the energy to go out and do anything without paying for it in pain and fatigue later. I don't have friends anymore to go visit and no BF to go out on dates either. I can't drive yet and don't want to ask for a ride to nowhere from my family, I've put them through more than enough as it is. On the positive side, I've become very attached to Netflix... thank goodness for Netflix!!!
In my post about gossip monkeys I mentioned that I didn't want my annoying grand-mother in the know about my hip problems. Well somebody (I suspect who) told her and now that gossiping old bat keeps calling my house for the crunchy details multiple times a week. I want to thank the lot of my family for being the least trustworthy assholes this girl has ever had!!! I'll never tell anybody about my problems ever again, no matter how bad they may be, problem solved! After re-reading this post, I've come to the conclusion that I have trust issues, or rather I don't trust anything or anyone anymore...
I've also decided that I don't give a shit about anything anymore and I'm just gonna wait this one out! Not gonna waste my energy on being angry at a bunch of nobodies anymore.
~Klau
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