Painful Deceptions

A long time ago, I believed in a solution, I believed I would get my hips fixed, I believed my surgery would come, I believed I could one day be pain free...




All that was a fantasy or some kind of sick deception depending on how I feel when I'm thinking about it. The "fantasy version" of it is when I'm feeling a bit optimistic, I dream of having my surgery in the near future and my pain going away. The "sick deception" is when I realize that after 12 months on the waiting list, I'm in more pain than ever, the health system allows buckets of old folks to cut in front of me in line for their hip and knee replacements and I'm losing my mind.



 






Lately the "sick deception" has taken the helm of my life. I was deceived too many times and had my hopes up, felt happy, then my hopes got ripped apart and fed to dog fucking rapists. I was told last year I had a 4 month wait for surgery by the physiatrist that diagnosed me with FAI. A couple months later I learn from the asshole OS that my surgery would be in 7 to 8 months tops. Last june, over 8 months later, I learn from the hospital that my surgery won't be before 12 months of waiting on the list. I called last month and guess what? My surgery won't be at 12 months of wait, probably 13 or 14 months. Every time I check, the rules change and nothing seems real anymore.








I was looking forward to my vacation time last August and September. I spent some great time (2 weeks) with my mother at her place and I actually enjoyed myself and had fun. I thought I would spend my last week at home, relaxing and pace myself to do a few chores. BUT NO!!! My parents had the brilliant idea to buy plane tickets to come back with me (without asking me if it was okay) to spend a month at my place. My dad wanted to fix things around my place, only he worked on "CRAZY ASSHOLE BERSERK MODE" (or C.A.B.M.)  and stress me for the whole month of September. You're probably wondering what is "C.A.B.M.", it's when you have an impatient perfectionist installing a hardwood floor and the project doesn't go "exactly" as planned. He completed the floor project, only he did it by yelling at everybody and making everyone around him (including me) regret their whole lives and wish they weren't born.








I've been in therapy since last July. I was starting to progress out of my dark pessimistic place. Since my "unrelaxing, putting stress levels back to 110% vacation", I've sunk even lower than before. I feel as though I've lost and won't be fixed. I have more pain than ever, my pain meds don't work anymore and I don't sleep at night on most nights. I have to try and calm myself down before I tell off the asshole OS next time I see him and resist having bursts of anger.  















I feel like I've been waiting for something that's never going to happen...

~Klau