Save me from the Pity Party People

While cleaning the yard with my best bro, we started talking about how we've kept most of our extended family out of the loop about my FAI diagnosis and upcoming surgeries. The main reason for this is I want to avoid the "Pity Party People" and the "Gossip Monkeys" to just jump in and have their go at my expense.



I've been dealing with chronic pain for almost 5 years now and I don't complain to everybody I know about it. I work with people and I know very well that everyone has issues, problems and challenges in their lives. Personally, I don't see/want to identify myself with my FAI hip problems in 5 years. Once I get my surgeries, finish rehab and regain my mobility I want to move on with my life and just get back on the saddle. 



 
I don't want to be reminded of the past couple painful years by my gossiping grandmother or other gossipers who just want to be in the know. Some people like to be reminded of their "great battle with mono", "mega crazy surgery" or "kicking cancer to the curb", but I just want to put it all away ASAP and get back to my real life. 







 

To tell the truth, chronic pain sometimes feels like torture and 4+ years of torture is something you want to forget. Kind of like waking up from a Zombie Apocalypse nightmare and you start forgetting the gruesome details of it all after being awake for just 3 minutes. I simply want the zombies to go away for good and not hear about them!

Harsh you say, not telling my own grandmother about my health? She's the one who told me my pain problem was in my friggin' head a couple years ago because I had no diagnosis. She's not the most empathic person in the world and she often misinterprets information or distorts then repeats the info back to other people. That woman never bloody forgets anything, she's still reminding me about how my brother and I would argue over the TV channel 20 years ago! I hate how she keeps bringing up the troubles I had at work 7 years ago (I went through 1 year of harassment from a supervisor) when everything from back then was dealt with accordingly and is now completely over. I feel ashamed enough as it is that I can't do the things I used to love and that I'm out of shape. I don't need to be reminded of these moments in 5, 10 or 20 years from now.

I also don't want her calling me every week just to update her whole town about things that don't concern them. I'm a rather private person and I have my pride. The less a "Gossip Monkey" knows, the better for your present and future sanity. 

 * I steal a lot from Mr. Takei simply cause his posts rock!

Lately I've been reading a blog called " STFU, Parents" that talks about the dumb shit that overly obsessive parents put on their facebook walls. It's HILARIOUS!!! I recognized a couple people I know who are pretty annoying with their facebook posts, even when they're not talking about their little darlings. Sadly I feel compelled to keep them on my friends list simply because they're family members and if I unfriend them, I can expect a lashing from the rest of the pack. One of my cousins is simply the worst over sharing member of the "Pity Party People" I know, here's why... 



About the "Pity Party People"...

We all know at least one of them in our lives, they either like to brew a pity party with other people's misery or they take the whole stage to themselves like Debbie Downer. My cousin is like that and boy is she annoying with her rants. She lost a baby before term (therefore it's still a fetus, not quite a baby) and years later, she still blabs about it on Facebook like it happened a week ago. She's a very fortunate person (parents are rich, never missed anything in her childhood, well rounded upbringing) and hasn't had too many troubles in her life. When she lost the fetus, she made it the drama of her life for years, even after having another kid. Her FB posts and general dialog (if you talk to her) is "This _____insert thing of normal life here______ happened to me today, it's so terrible!". And then the "Pity Train" begins, about 20 friends all put comments like "Poor you", "Hope it doesn't happen again", "That sucks", etc. She just looks for people's pity all the time and she enjoys the attention. I find that behavior kinda sickening and stupid.



We don't need to know about every fricken' sniffle you, your husband or kid has had. We don't want to hear about how much more drama you can put into a fender-bender you had with your car. If you had to get your hypochondriac ass to the ER, again, we don't need to hear you complain about the 12 hours you had to wait to get told by a doctor that you have a cold. We especially don't need to see pics of whatever fucked up thing is coming from your kid's nose or ass. You're finally working full time and it's tough like a bitch? Yeah most of us know that already because we've been working the bitch schedule for decades!!!     



Sometimes I just feel like telling the "Pity Party Cousin" to grow a pair and get over it, but then I'll pass for the mean one and have too much explaining to do. So instead I decided to vent on my blog to just get it out of my system. Not to worry, the loving and caring people in my life are in the know about what's going on with me and my shitty hips. I hope I've inspired some of you to steer clear of the "Gossip Monkeys" and skip the "Pity Party", cause they're out there...     

  ~ Klau

  

30 is coming...

Some of you might not know this, but  I'm turning 30 next week. I don't feel super excited about it for loads of different reasons. A couple of reasons have to do with my hips that haven't been fixed yet and I'm getting real tired of waiting. 



My hip pain stops me from doing a lot of thing that I enjoyed. I'm turning 30 but I'm living in the body of a 70yr old who is 25 pounds overweight. No matter how hard I try, I can't melt off the weight (even if my family doctor nags about it every fucking time I see her). I can't lose it like I want to cause the FAI prevents me from doing killer crazy workouts like I did 4 years ago. I miss those days where I would do 2 hours of martial arts, burn around 900 calories, feel "cut" and strong and not gain a single ounce. Best I can do now is almost moderate walking.


 I watch what I eat, eat clean and I totally love the "Organic/Granola Hippies on Hemp" section at the grocery store! I count my calories every day and I try to go walking daily for 25-30 min. Still, it's not working and I'm getting more frustrated with my body the longer my hips aren't fixed.





I was supposed to go on a cruise with my mother to celebrate my turning 30 and her turning 55. Well considering I have trouble staying seated for long periods, I can scratch off the idea of a 2 day car trip or 4-5 hour plane ride to get to the friggin' cruise ship. Plus I would feel duped if I couldn't take part in many of the activities available on the trip because of my hip pain (long tour guided treks in some country, sport activities on the ship, etc). It would suck if I'd get 5 pain days out of a 7 day trip and have to miss out, plus I don't want to cause my mom to miss out on fun activities during the trip if I decided to rest in the cabin.



It's also a bad time for me to leave because I'm waiting for a call from the hospital for my surgery that's supposed to come up in the next month or so. I don't want to miss my chance and have to wait an extra month of this shitty FAI pain. My colleagues at work and my friends are all talking about their latest trip or trips they plan on doing soon. I'm envious of them and I know that I badly need a vacation, but my hands and feet are tied to my fucking defective hips. 




When you hit 30, you kind of measure where you're at in life. Most people are done with College and University and are steadily working in their field of choice by the time they're 30. The majority of people are coupled up and have been for a few years by now. Many have had kids at 30 or plan on having kids in the near future. Most people I know are in excellent shape and excellent health at age 30.



I finished College almost a decade ago and I finished Uni in 2007 while working full time mixed shifts (day/evening/night). I've been working full time in my career for the past 7 years. Can't say I've advanced my career though and we'll just blame that one on 4+ years of hip pain. I lost an opportunity for advancement last year because I'm on light work because of my FAI hip pain. I still feel terrible about that and I've been at the same shitty office job since June 2012 where the clients and certain colleagues treat me like dirt.




Some of my previous boyfriends have run away and I've had to leave some because of the lack of understanding and honesty from them (see previous post on relationships). I'm pretty much alone at 30 and I don't plan on having kids either. It would be too complicated, hard on my already mangled body, I don't have what it takes to be a mother and having children is way too much responsibility for someone like me who does shift work, has no boyfriend/husband and is soon to be recovering from hip surgeries. My previous relationships were complete failures, dating guys in my current state is impossible and even if I find "the one", it'll never work with my hectic work and the schedule that comes with it. I'd end up having kids with another jerk who's gonna leave because he's overwhelmed and can't take care of kids while I'm working night shifts. After that happens, I'm the one overwhelmed with ALL the responsibilities and the jerk has to deal with the kids for only 2 weekends a month. Nice way to fuck up my life even more than it already is.



 

My health at 30...is at it's lowest point EVER! Like I said before, I'm overweight and very pissed off about it. I try so hard to get in shape, lose some pounds and it's not working. I'm depending on my hip surgeries to get my life back on track, but it's not coming soon enough. I can't eat sugary foods and fatty snacks cause I know I can't burn those extra calories off. I cancelled an outing to for a sugar shack dinner with a bunch of friends because I knew eating that kind of food (lots of fat, carbs. and sugar) would have been a major setback. I've cut a lot on alcohol to lose weight but I don't see any results and I've been at it for weeks now. I count my calories and go for the 1430 calories per day that I'm supposed to aim for. I take 25-30 min walks daily and I do a bit of calisthenics for 10 to 15 min after each walk. I'd love to do those workouts twice a day to lose weight, but I know I'm gonna pay with pain the next couple days for overdoing it. 




Meanwhile, my friends (in my age range) are running marathons, getting their 2nd degree on their black belts, joining cross-fit gyms, talking about how they gained 10-15 pounds...of muscle!

I'm also afraid of developing high-blood pressure and type 2 diabetes because of where my weight stands. I'd like to see my family doctor about it, but she's useless and will patronise me instead of helping me. Change family doctors you say? You're fucking lucky to have one if you're my age (and not preggo) and if you live in Quebec, it's almost like winning the lottery. It's impossible to switch to another, they're all over-booked and can't take any more patients. Appointments are 2-3 months away, so what's the point in trying to see one soon?

Turning 30 sucks, I hate that it reminds me of all the things I've missed in my 20s and I don't feel much like celebrating anything about it. Oh and it's probably best if I skip the cake... 

 

* I Don't want to end up looking like this...

 












~Klau





   

Like a Boss & Silly Walks...

*We need one of these to cool off our annoying impatient clients at my office.

I had a quite yet interesting week. We got a whole structure change at work and I had make some changes to my schedule. Nobody wanted this change, but the high management said otherwise so we had no choice but to comply. I find that the new routine isn't so bad, plus I get to sleep in a bit more in the morning! I'm still doing my usual shitty office job though, till I have my hip surgeries.

 I also have a new boss. I thought it would be complicated once again to have to explain my hip problems and limitations, plus I was afraid of having another disbeliever (like my previous boss). I was surprised because my old boss actually briefed him on my upcoming surgeries (and medical leave of absence). He just came up to me last week and said "I had a knee injury a few years back and it hurt like a bitch and took forever to have fixed." "I know how it must suck right now for you, the rehab is also gonna be long and painful too and even when you come back to work, you might not feel 100% like before". What he said amazed me! He even added "Take your time and heal and come back when you're ready, even if it takes almost a year, take care of yourself first." Damn, I almost fell off my chair and wanted to pinch myself to see if this guy is for real!


Suddenly my faith in humanity was restored and it took a load off to know that I'm not gonna have any pressure from my boss on when I'll be coming back to work after my surgeries. 





I got tired of going to the pool a couple weeks ago. First of all, there are too many kids at the local indoor public pool who need parental supervision (if their mom is glued to her Iphone and pretends she has no kids, it doesn't count as supervision). I had to tell a 10 year old girl to fuck off and not swim so close to me after she kicked me a few times (she thought she had room to swim in the 1 foot of space between me and the wall of the pool). I'm glad the mom didn't notice, cause she would have taken the child's defense without seeing what happened and I would have gotten really angry at that useless excuse for a parent. The girl suddenly stopped going in the deep end (where I was swimming) when her goggles fell to the bottom of the pool (not my doing, thank you Karma!). She asked me if I could get them and I said sure...I'll fetch them in 20 mins (just before the end of the free swim) and I continued my workout. 









I actually do my best to avoid the swarm of kids by going to the 9pm to 10pm weekday swims. 

Problem is that there are dozens of primary school kids who aren't in bed at that hour (once again GREAT parenting there) and find it amusing to tempt faith, spray water in my face, act like little pricks and kick me while I'm trying to enjoy my workout. I mean, swimming 1 foot away from an adult seems a bit risky don't ya think? And I'm finding it hard to do the whole routine of changing in and out of swimsuits and in and out of clothes, I'm not friggin' Superman and it's tiring for me with the hip pain and all. 

 With the warmer weather outside, I've decided to start a walking routine every morning before going to work. It's not so bad if I take shorter strides and I can just adjust the length of each walk according to my pain level. I sometimes walk 35 mins or sometimes just 15-20 mins, but that's alright. At least I'm spending more time outside, moving and walking clears my mind. It's kinda like a 2 for 1 deal (without the pizza or drinks) : Meditation + Exercise.  Saw some of Codi's (my lovely deceased dog) canine friends in the neighborhood and it's was a nice change of scenery. 









~ Klau

Happy Easter

Firstly, I would like to say Happy Easter to all who celebrate it! If you don't celebrate Easter, you're missing out on a  most important religious holiday that has morphed over the years into rituals of snarfing down hollow chocolates mostly shaped like cute little animals, eating lots of Ham and going to church (At least we kept the church part).








It's also spring time, the weather is nicer (up in Canada), snow is melting, maple sap is pouring, birds are out singing and animals are coming out of hibernation and doing rated R stuff with each-other...well you get the picture. Such a lovely time of year for many different changes. 








I had something cool happen to me in the last week. Incredibly, the pain in my hips went down to a 3 on the pain scale for almost a week, without having to take any medication. That's a big difference from the steady and usual 5 or 6 (where I need my pain meds to calm it down). I felt, for the first time in years, happy and a lot like the old me before FAI. 

If you have read my first post, you know I'm not a stranger to disappointment. Knowing this, I was cautious and didn't overdo anything, I figured that maybe my shattered labrums decided to hide and snuggle in the right spots, where they didn't catch so much. But I knew it wasn't permanent because both of my hip labrums are torn and will get re-torn again and again from FAI if the bone shape isn't fixed. Whatever happened, it was cool and felt great, yet it was temporary...

*Note: Cats demonstrating snuggling...they look so cosy!  

The snow was all melted from the sidewalks and I felt good for a little walk outside. Fifteen minutes later, pain was back to the "usual" level and the unexpected fantasy was over. It was nice while it lasted and it gave me hope that I might someday be pain-free from FAI and be able to walk for as long as I want without the pain stopping me.

~ Klau

The Waiting Game

SO YOU'RE A YOUNG ADULT WITH CHRONIC PAIN AND STILL WORKING YOUR ASS OFF KEEPING YOUR JOB? ARE YOU PAYING LOADS OF TAXES AND WAITING FOREVER TO GET SURGERY?

COME ON DOWN! YOU'RE THE NEXT PATIENT ON 

"WELCOME TO QUEBEC AND GET FUCKED EVERY WAY POSSIBLE!"

I read some blogs lately about people (Americans) who got their surgery 1 or 2 months after meeting a hip preserving orthopedic surgeon. That's great if they can get surgery in a "reasonable delay" and that it's covered by their insurance. They don't have to dodge bullets from scumbag doctors who don't want to deal with chronic pain patients. The doctors are more likely to take you seriously because you're paying them out of your pocket and they better do their fucking job or get sued a lot. I'm sure that there are scumbag doctors in the States, but they're not stretched like those in Canada. MDs in Canada are overworked, underpaid, have too many patients and they don't take the time to listen to their patients because they simply don't have the time for it!






An interesting case that was in the media lately was how Lady Gaga, after her Montreal show, decided in February to cancel the rest of her world tour and get her hip fixed. And fixed it she did...about a week later, she had surgery and was wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair made of 24K gold. Sounds like fantasy or sci-fi to me, but it actually happened (see picture on right).









Sometimes I wish I had the money to have my surgeries in a private facility, but 30 000$ doesn't come cheap and considering that I work my ass off every day and throw a good part of my salary to the government (taxes)...I better wait it off (for my finances and future sanity).

 *Note: Diving in a frozen ditch while wearing nothing but a tutu = Canadian version of losing your sanity











If I had seen an American MD, he or she might have taken a better patient history and might have listened more, heard me say the activities that I did and found a diagnosis faster : "elite level contact sports" + "martial arts" + "physically demanding job" = FAI. My family doctor hasn't got the foggiest idea what my personal history is and it's not like she's gonna have more time to take it anytime soon. No wonder she never came close to figuring it out and sent me to the wrong doctors for consults.

It's now been about 5½ months that I've been on a waiting list for my surgery and I have about 3 to 4 more months left to wait. It feels longer for me because I've had pain since 2009 and it just keeps feeling worse and worse. By the time I get my surgery, it'll make it a whole 5 years of symptoms and pain (bring out the champagne please so we can get drunk and forget about all of it). 

The waiting game is long and tough, I'd rather have my hips back and train for a marathon (I really hate running) than play this stupid game. I'd rather get hit by a mack truck or get cancer than have FAI. At least in those two cases you don't wait 4 years of pain for a diagnosis and 8 to 9 months to get treatment, plus the scumbag doctors have no choice but to believe you're in pain and give you something to relieve it.

I hope to get to my "Pain Relief Destination" soon before it's not longer a possibility to fix my hip or that the pain becomes permanent.



To all my fellow Canadians living with FAI and waiting on those dreaded MRI or surgery lists : hang in there and keep your stick on the ice even if our health system is faulty. 

That doesn't mean we have to give up on regaining an active life, without pain or FAI! 

*huge hugs to all the canucks reading this post*




*If you foreigners ever wondered what "Oh Canada" means...just stare long enough at these pictures and you'll figure it out...  

 

  

~ Klau

 

Life on Hold

I had a little run in with a colleague this week...well turned in to quite a row after a couple minutes. Here's how it started...

Another colleague was pointing out that we didn't have enough staff in the company available to do certain specialised work. That kind of work can only be done by the people who have done a special one week course given in another country and it costs the company a fortune to send select few people there to take it.

I jumped in and told my colleague that I have a friend who did the course but that her expertise is gone to waste. I explained that she was planning for a while to try and get pregnant somewhere in that summer and she did, about 2 weeks after doing that course. Here's where it got bad... I said that she shouldn't have taken that spot in the course "knowing" she wasn't going to be using her expertise for the next 2+ years. I know this person very well and I know that the course isn't at all in her field of interest for advancement in the company. I said to my colleagues that she totally wasted the company's money and she took the place of somebody else who might have needed the course to advance his/her career.

One of my younger colleagues barked out : "Well it doesn't mean that you're pregnant that you have to put your life on hold!!!" and she left the room before I could say anything else. It's like she just lit a fire and left. What does a fire do? Well it burns, burns and burns...and it really hurts.

I felt so demolished by those words "put your life on hold", because that's exactly how my life has been since 2009...on hold.

There's a big difference between being pregnant and having chronic pain or a chronic illness.

Pregnant women are radiant and full of joy preparing for their little bundle of joy. They have regular doctor visits and their health is checked like clockwork for 9 months to make sure they and their fetus are lollipop perfect. Their doctors are happy to see them and give them a lot of needed attention and reassurance for things to come. Most importantly of all, pregnant women (most of them) are healthy, aren't handicapped or in constant debilitating pain and are functional. 

Their pregnancy is a choice they made to create a new chapter to their lives.








When you're a chronic pain/chronic illness patient, your doctor tries everything to get rid of you. They have no empathy and try to get you out the door A.S.A.P. to avoid hearing your pain problems. Some will treat you like a nut job or a junkie trying to get pain medication. Having chronic pain forces you to drop some previously enjoyed activities and there's a of grieving done about all that is lost (friendships, relationships, etc.) 








In this case, the book of life gets a bunch of pages ripped out of the previous chapters and the next chapters aren't solely written by the person... Mr. Pain/ Mrs. Illness decides to add some shit bombs to that book of life and the story completely loses it's appeal.  




It got me angry for the rest of my day because she made me look like a selfish person and the words "put your life on hold" rang in my head all day long. I wanted to talk to her, but she kept avoiding me all day and I finally decided to forget about trying to explain myself. Besides, she has no fucking idea what it really means to put your life on hold.

I do not believe that pregnant women have their lives on hold because they can do whatever the fuck they want as long as it doesn't harm the fetus. Most of them can work full time, do physical activities, do errands, keep the house clean, cook dinner every night, prepare a nursery, etc. Some even run in marathons, yes in fucking marathons! If you compare that with someone who has a debilitating chronic illness/chronic pain for years (maybe their whole life), it's not such a bad deal to have 9 months of pregnancy and you're life isn't on hold...you're actually moving on with your life by having children and starting a family.







I secretly envy pregnant women for having that sunshiny life...cause mine has a bunch of dark clouds full of pain that come out every single day.

My life has been on hold for long enough that I have had to re-think my future plans for what to do if my hip surgeries are successful or if they don't work to restore my mobility. I have to have a plan A, plan B, plan C, etc. for just about everything in my life. 






Healthy people don't have to use so many letters in the alphabet as people with chronic pain/chronic illnesses do... usually plan A works perfectly every time for em!  








~Klau