Thoughts about my future

Someone asked me lately if I had an "Ultimate Crazy Ass Project" in mind for when my hips will be fixed. My response was: Ermm no, why should I? He said it would be a good idea to have one so that I can have something to look forward to in the future. Here comes the pessimistic side of me: "Why the fuck would I get my hopes up (again) and set myself up for another big disappointment to come?"


















It makes no sense to me to dream about the future anymore, I used to dream that I'd get my surgery this summer and look where it got me...playing too close to the depression line. Sure I get the whole "visualization" technique about it, but it's only gonna harm me if it doesn't work out. I'd rather stay out of the sun and be certain of not getting burned, than put too much faith in that 9$ bottle of lotion and get burned anyway.











I haven't become completely pessimistic, I just feel the need to live one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time and it's all that seems to work for me right now. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and then feeling crushed and disappointed just like in the past. How many times did that happen to me in past couple years?... too many to count. Maybe I put my trust and faith in the wrong people (scumbag doctors) and it's my fault for misjudging them or maybe I was too naive and optimistic.








Speaking of faith...it's a shame that God doesn't take prayer requests. It could be quite amusing to see the oddity of how they would turn out. If he did, he might mix things up like a cheapo DJ at a wedding...you ask for Eminem and get candy instead...WTF? He could also make things better for the immediate moment and then send a shit bomb next week. Maybe prayer requests are a bad idea, I'll just stick to finding leprechauns at the end of rainbows to extort them into granting my every wish and surrendering all their gold. 





 


 

I keep wondering if I'm gonna get my surgery before the end of the year and if I will get it in time before I start getting unrepairable damage to my hips or labrums. It's worrisome to not know if things will turn out okay or if I will get told "Sorry, there was too much damage, we were too late and we couldn't make your hips better" after surgery. 












Career wise, I can't plan my future. What if I can't go back to my old physical job? What if I have to do something else and get stuck in a boring job or another job from hell? Relationship wise I can't really get involved with anyone and I have no desire to start a new relationship that might last 3 months, then crash and burn in my face. I don't need to live another rejection or have to waste my limited energy reserves on some ass-clown who doesn't have any empathy or respect and can't come close to "getting the whole chronic pain deal".





I used to dream I could travel outside of Canada at least once a year and broaden my horizons. I used to dream about becoming a certified martial arts instructor after getting my black sash. I used to dream about having a kind, loving, sweetheart common-law boyfriend to share a home and life with. I used to dream about having kids. I used to dream I'd be in my best physical shape ever before hitting 30.
I used to dream...





Now I don't.

 



~Klau