Angry Times

I haven't been writing lately mostly because I've been busy with PT and being in an angry mood most of the time. Sorry to everyone who follows this blog...wait do people really follow my blog? Fuck it, forget this line of thought...




Why am I angry? Well although the healing is advancing for my right hip (the one that got operated on last December), I just want to saw off my left hip. I have exercises to do for my right hip to regain mobility but most of them involve putting more weight and stress on my left. The pain doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon and I'm fed up with living in a broken defective body.I'm afraid that if I don't get well enough with my right hip, I won't get my left one operated and I kinda need my left one fixed too if I want to get out of this fucking never ending maze from hell. I'm gonna keep trying for a while and see if there's a chance of getting out of this mess.






I have trouble seeing a positive future because I'm used to disappointments and I don't trust my OS to do a good job fixing my hips and I distrust my body even more cause it's been failing me for years. I don't see myself going back to martial arts, it wouldn't be wise with two shitty hips. Other sports? I don't see myself doing any running or contact sports and I already hate doing cycling in PT so I'm gonna forget getting into cycling. On the plus side, I'm gonna save over 1000$ NOT buying that bicycle at the bike shop next spring! I don't have any projects in mind for the future and that's depressing.











On the down side, my job is a physical one and I dunno if I'll be going back or have to settle with being chained to a desk for the next 20 years. I don't want to see any of my colleagues for a long while. The last ones I saw came over to my house cause I skipped the office party (I wasn't feeling well enough to go work that day, it was in my no meds pre-op week) to give me a Christmas present. The gesture was very kind but was brief and ended when one of them decided to say "Well I was in worst shape and I was limping a lot more than you before I had my hip replacement. You look fine." Thanks a lot man, yeah I've been cleverly FAKING my fucking pain for FIVE FUCKING YEARS!!! I bit my lip and didn't say anything cause he's a superior at work. This is one of the many perks to having an invisible illness, people don't believe you!



 

My colleagues from my regular job are organizing a party after the holidays but I won't be attending. I'm starting to walk again and I might get off crutches soon, I don't want to hear my colleagues and even less my boss say: "You look good and you're walking, so you'll be back to work soon then eh?". My boss would be devious enough to go telling HR that I "looked fine and should be back at work" when I can barely walk for 10 minutes, a 2 hour dinner at a restaurant sets me back a good 8 hours of energy and even more hours of pain.

 I don't get out of the house much anymore except for PT. The weather sucks, either it's freezing cold outside, it's snowing or there's freezing rain...take your pick! Besides, I don't have the energy to go out and do anything without paying for it in pain and fatigue later. I don't have friends anymore to go visit and no BF to go out on dates either. I can't drive yet and don't want to ask for a ride to nowhere from my family, I've put them through more than enough as it is. 

On the positive side, I've become very attached to Netflix... thank goodness for Netflix!!!


 
 







In my post about gossip monkeys I mentioned that I didn't want my annoying grand-mother in the know about my hip problems. Well somebody (I suspect who) told her and now that gossiping old bat keeps calling my house for the crunchy details multiple times a week. I want to thank the lot of my family for being the least trustworthy assholes this girl has ever had!!! I'll never tell anybody about my problems ever again, no matter how bad they may be, problem solved! 

After re-reading this post, I've come to the conclusion that I have trust issues, or rather I don't trust anything or anyone anymore...




 


I've also decided that I don't give a shit about anything anymore and I'm just gonna wait this one out! Not gonna waste my energy on being angry at a bunch of nobodies anymore.

~Klau
  

Pre-op time sucks big time!

In the previous post, I got a phone call for the date of my first arthroscopy on my right hip. After that, I waited and waited and waited. Then almost a month later, I call up the hospital to find out that they don't do any pre-op tests for my age group or give any appointments with a nurse to know what to expect, nada. I found out that I will only get a call the night before to know at what time I should go to the hospital, I have to stop eating after midnight and I should bring my own crutches.







Thank goodness for the internet and the FAI Facebook groups, at least I got some info there on what to expect and how to prepare. For example, FAI peeps strongly recommend wearing loose fitting pants to the hospital on surgery day. Scumbag doctor never said nothing, pre-admin guy neither oh and I don't have a pre-op appointment to ask about this stuff, wonderful! Where the fuck would I get that kind of information if I didn't look things up??? I might have worn jeans and end up coming home in my fucking underwear!!!









I don't really know how things are going to go on my surgery day and it's unnerving to be left in the dark about everything. I partly blame the Quebec health care system for cutting everywhere and short-handing nurses and hospitals but it's never their fault or anyone's fault. All I know is that my head is full of questions and nobody is around or available to give answers.     






Something that really bugged me is that the guy at pre-admission tells me I have to be off my pain meds a week before my surgery. Not that I eat those like candy or anything but I am only able to function most days with my pain meds. Lucky or Unlucky for me I had a vacation week scheduled that week, it saves me from calling to work sick but it sucks to spend vacation days feeling like shit and in pain. Usually vacation days are spent taking a vacation like visiting Boston, skiing in the Rockies or deep-frying in Cuba. Not becoming an expert on the best lazy-boy lounging positions for hip pain and a professional magic bag burner!  

This morning, I woke up a bunch of times in the early hours and when I had to get up at 5:30am for work, guess what? Pain wins again!!! Not only did I not sleep most of the night, I had some good pain at 6-7 on the stupid chart. I look at the calendar, oh shit I'm at the beginning of the "no meds shit week". Even more disappointing, I had my clothes and things all ready to go to my office party (gonna miss another fun activity, fuck you pain!).








Even though it's tempting to just take a pill or two, I don't want to be responsible for the cancellation of my surgery that took over 13 months of waiting on the list. What am I going to do...




Relax at home, drink tea, repeatedly nuke a magic bag (heating pad) and if that doesn't work I can maybe rent or borrow a cat (not that a cat is a solution to pain, but it would be fun for a "shits and giggles" kind of thing).  I just remembered that I'm allergic to cats, so scratch out the cat borrowing idea for now.









I hope I don't spend the whole next week in pain like today. Most of all, I hope I don't spend 7 days of pain and arrive at the hospital and be told "Sorry, your operation was cancelled" by some scumbag doctor. If that worst case scenario happens, I will be beyond disappointed... I'll be off the fucking chart angry.    

~Klau

Yeah Bitch!!!

*Me after getting the phone call !

Last week I finally got a call from the secretary of my OS's office. She said they had a surgery date for me in December if I was available and interested. Are you fucking kidding me? I've been available for over a fucking year already and yes I'm very much interested. So she put me on the schedule and I should get a call for the pre-op appointment from the hospital soon.

Another bit of good news is that there's a change of scenery, my surgery will be done in a different hospital than the one my OS said he was going to do it at. It's good news for me cause the last time I had surgery in the previous hospital, I had the worst of luck with cancellations, anesthesiologist making stupid remarks about my line of work (and he thought he was telling good jokes, what a dumb ass), nursing staff staying away from my room because of the old annoying patient who was next to me and I got discharged for a day surgery at 10:30 pm!!! This time I'm having my surgery in a hospital that I've never been to and so far I've only heard good comments about the place.

*Actual photo of me dressed as a fox

I spent a cool Halloween cleverly disguised as a fox with a sign that said "What does the fox say?". It's from a video that went viral on youtube lately and was made by the eccentric Norwegian comedy duo Ylvis. I had a great time going to parties and I went to the Halloween comic-fest at my local comic book shop last weekend. After the comic-fest, my brother and I posted some pictures of our combined fox and bear costumes on the comic book store's FB page (the owner loves it when his clients participate, especially female clients cause we're so rare in comic book stores!). 

*An "English for separatist dummies" book.

Later that night, we got several good comments about our picture from friends and family. However, our cousin (let's call him "Douchewagon" because he's more in love with his VW car than anything else including his kids, which is rather sad) decided for the 1st time ever to comment or post something on FB about one of our activities. He wrote in the comments "WTF??? Are you fucking kidding me?". This guy can't even write "happy birthday" on either one of our FB walls and now he gives himself permission to rain on our parade? We rarely talk to his family because they are materialistic snobs, Quebecker style separatists and they always boast at family gatherings about how better they are than everyone else. The good part is they hate everything that's English, including learning the language so I'll write and blog what I friggin' want here! Anyways, I had the best time I've had in a few months and it was one of those days where I had so much fun that the pain didn't bother me so much and I felt "normal" and included in the festivities. I certainly didn't need to see his humbug comments. I was pissed off about what he said and for about 5 minutes I vented about it with my bro. After the 5 minutes of venting/bitching, I brushed it off and once my head was cool I did something about it. 








What did I do about it? I posted, in french (cause I want him to understand) "Oooh, somebody's jealous!" on the comments page. After all he did just criticize and sort of insulted me, my brother and our pals from the comic book shop. And then I "un-friended" the bunch of em : Douchewagon, my anglo-hating aunt, his brothers and his annoying sister who complains about the difficulties of her little princess privileged life on FB (yes that's the annoying cousin I blogged about before). 



It felt GREAT!!! It was liberating to get rid of a bunch of self-centered, "don't give a shit about anyone else" snobs. They've never known, nor will they know about my FAI or upcoming surgeries because they're not worth it to be in the know. Like I said before, with chronic pain or chronic illness, you find out who are the people pulling for you and you see the people like Douchewagon who are so full of themselves that they have no room for compassion for anyone else. I'm glad I cleaned up my FB friends list last week and I have no regrets about anything.

* Smitten Kitten for the Win!!!

­~Klau

Painful Deceptions

A long time ago, I believed in a solution, I believed I would get my hips fixed, I believed my surgery would come, I believed I could one day be pain free...




All that was a fantasy or some kind of sick deception depending on how I feel when I'm thinking about it. The "fantasy version" of it is when I'm feeling a bit optimistic, I dream of having my surgery in the near future and my pain going away. The "sick deception" is when I realize that after 12 months on the waiting list, I'm in more pain than ever, the health system allows buckets of old folks to cut in front of me in line for their hip and knee replacements and I'm losing my mind.



 






Lately the "sick deception" has taken the helm of my life. I was deceived too many times and had my hopes up, felt happy, then my hopes got ripped apart and fed to dog fucking rapists. I was told last year I had a 4 month wait for surgery by the physiatrist that diagnosed me with FAI. A couple months later I learn from the asshole OS that my surgery would be in 7 to 8 months tops. Last june, over 8 months later, I learn from the hospital that my surgery won't be before 12 months of waiting on the list. I called last month and guess what? My surgery won't be at 12 months of wait, probably 13 or 14 months. Every time I check, the rules change and nothing seems real anymore.








I was looking forward to my vacation time last August and September. I spent some great time (2 weeks) with my mother at her place and I actually enjoyed myself and had fun. I thought I would spend my last week at home, relaxing and pace myself to do a few chores. BUT NO!!! My parents had the brilliant idea to buy plane tickets to come back with me (without asking me if it was okay) to spend a month at my place. My dad wanted to fix things around my place, only he worked on "CRAZY ASSHOLE BERSERK MODE" (or C.A.B.M.)  and stress me for the whole month of September. You're probably wondering what is "C.A.B.M.", it's when you have an impatient perfectionist installing a hardwood floor and the project doesn't go "exactly" as planned. He completed the floor project, only he did it by yelling at everybody and making everyone around him (including me) regret their whole lives and wish they weren't born.








I've been in therapy since last July. I was starting to progress out of my dark pessimistic place. Since my "unrelaxing, putting stress levels back to 110% vacation", I've sunk even lower than before. I feel as though I've lost and won't be fixed. I have more pain than ever, my pain meds don't work anymore and I don't sleep at night on most nights. I have to try and calm myself down before I tell off the asshole OS next time I see him and resist having bursts of anger.  















I feel like I've been waiting for something that's never going to happen...

~Klau

R&R Time : Not the same with FAI pain.

I've been looking forward to my summer holidays and at the same time dreading them. It's a complicated feeling, but I'll try and break it down here.


About 3-4 years ago, I looked forward to going on vacation to try new things, see different sites and visit a new country. I used to go in all-inclusive resorts where I could participate in water sports, dancing (I love meringue), walk on the beach for hours a day, go out on excursions and enjoy adventure. That was an exciting time for me, I enjoyed being able to do anything and everything without having pain to limit or punish me after a good time.









I went to the D.R. in 2011 and I had the worst time ever. One week of hell and I blame FAI 100% for it. It was the first time I wasn't comfortable on a 4+ hour flight, sitting for a long time flared up the pain. I couldn't walk for too long before I'd get pain and my hotel room was "conveniently" located the furthest from the beach, restaurants and activity center of the resort. Kiss those long beach walks goodbye! I went horseback riding and it was only 20 minutes, but for the first time ever, riding a horse was uncomfortable and caused pain. 









I haven't gone back on vacation ever since FAI ruined my 2011 beach vacation. Last summer I visited my family out west and once again the 4 hour flight wasn't super for my hips. I've decided this year to go out west again, endure the 4 hour flight and tell FAI to fuck off. I'm gonna try sitting differently in my seat, get up and stretch a bit more and if I need to, I'll just pop a pain pill and forget about it.








Next challenge, what the hell am I gonna do on my vacation? My FAI pain kinda cuts a lot of things off the list, including any place that requires a long car trip, lots of walking or standing. I don't want to do the same stuff I do on weekends (lounge around on the couch) but I also don't want to do things that will cause more pain and disappoint me in the long run.















I was supposed to have my surgery 3 months ago and I wouldn't be in this dilemma if the scumbag medical system worked for young people. I feel like a young adult trapped in a old person's body. I really want to live my youth like everyone else can, but I'm stopped by the limitations of my broken body and I feel trapped in a body that isn't mine. MY body was in the best shape ever, it could do anything and never got tired from pain. MY body was young and NOT BROKEN.

~Klau

     

Haters Gonna Hate

 






I haven't been writing much lately cause a lot has been going on. I imagine that I have some readers who may have been disappointed, but that's real life for ya. I've switched jobs last month because I got fed up with the assholes at my previous position and the supervisors were giving me a hard time all the time. I'm now working in a different office where I don't have to deal with impatient clients who breath down your neck and remind you every 20 minutes that they're still waiting. I have colleagues that are older, more mature and understanding of what living with a health problem means cause some of them have been there before or have a family member for whom they've had to care for.







My new job has created some jealousy. My "ex-best friend" facebook dumped me without any warning the same week my job transfer message got sent throughout the company. Even if I'm there temporarily, she probably thinks I kissed some serious ass to get there when in fact I got treated like dirt so much at the old place that I had to take anything else they could give me and that was it. I could have ended up with a very shitty paper shuffling job but instead they needed extra help in the department I'm now working for because of vacations and absences. 









I haven't talked about the new job to anyone and I show a lot of modesty to avoid jealousy conflicts at my old office. I try and avoid useless conflicts in my life. She's naturally an envious person and I know that the job I'm doing right now is something she wants to do and now she's jealous and possibly pissed off.



I can only imagine her telling me " Oh, you're so LUCKY!" about my job. Yeah that's right, I'm SO LUCKY to have pain every fucking day for almost 5 years, to have had to endure 1 year of workplace hell and then have to wait on a never ending surgical waiting list to get out of the rabbit hole to hell!!! My new job is a godsend or like karma that finally woke up and realized that I had too much bad stuff happening and that my life needed some positive light.







She never understood, nor tried to understand what I'm going through (she seriously lacks empathy). I didn't want to discuss my life with her anymore cause she's on top of fluffy happy clouds and I'm stuck under the rain in a thunderstorm. I had the intention of explaining some things to her in maybe a year from now, but now that option is gone. The way she just acted simply reflects the kind of friend she was and I'm glad it's over, now I don't have to waste my time explaining FAI to yet another disbeliever. I don't need "frenemies" in my life right now or later on.

~Klau

Thoughts about my future

Someone asked me lately if I had an "Ultimate Crazy Ass Project" in mind for when my hips will be fixed. My response was: Ermm no, why should I? He said it would be a good idea to have one so that I can have something to look forward to in the future. Here comes the pessimistic side of me: "Why the fuck would I get my hopes up (again) and set myself up for another big disappointment to come?"


















It makes no sense to me to dream about the future anymore, I used to dream that I'd get my surgery this summer and look where it got me...playing too close to the depression line. Sure I get the whole "visualization" technique about it, but it's only gonna harm me if it doesn't work out. I'd rather stay out of the sun and be certain of not getting burned, than put too much faith in that 9$ bottle of lotion and get burned anyway.











I haven't become completely pessimistic, I just feel the need to live one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time and it's all that seems to work for me right now. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and then feeling crushed and disappointed just like in the past. How many times did that happen to me in past couple years?... too many to count. Maybe I put my trust and faith in the wrong people (scumbag doctors) and it's my fault for misjudging them or maybe I was too naive and optimistic.








Speaking of faith...it's a shame that God doesn't take prayer requests. It could be quite amusing to see the oddity of how they would turn out. If he did, he might mix things up like a cheapo DJ at a wedding...you ask for Eminem and get candy instead...WTF? He could also make things better for the immediate moment and then send a shit bomb next week. Maybe prayer requests are a bad idea, I'll just stick to finding leprechauns at the end of rainbows to extort them into granting my every wish and surrendering all their gold. 





 


 

I keep wondering if I'm gonna get my surgery before the end of the year and if I will get it in time before I start getting unrepairable damage to my hips or labrums. It's worrisome to not know if things will turn out okay or if I will get told "Sorry, there was too much damage, we were too late and we couldn't make your hips better" after surgery. 












Career wise, I can't plan my future. What if I can't go back to my old physical job? What if I have to do something else and get stuck in a boring job or another job from hell? Relationship wise I can't really get involved with anyone and I have no desire to start a new relationship that might last 3 months, then crash and burn in my face. I don't need to live another rejection or have to waste my limited energy reserves on some ass-clown who doesn't have any empathy or respect and can't come close to "getting the whole chronic pain deal".





I used to dream I could travel outside of Canada at least once a year and broaden my horizons. I used to dream about becoming a certified martial arts instructor after getting my black sash. I used to dream about having a kind, loving, sweetheart common-law boyfriend to share a home and life with. I used to dream about having kids. I used to dream I'd be in my best physical shape ever before hitting 30.
I used to dream...





Now I don't.

 



~Klau